The Vagaries of a Marriage in India

Culture shapes us in many ways and our individuality is often a semblance of our collective social sensibilities. Marriage is a very important component of our personal life and social framework. I was already married before I moved to the United States. It was only after being asked an awkward question did I realize there is a great difference in how marriages happen in the two countries: India and the United States.

During the early years of our settlement in the US, we had to hire a part-time driver to drive me and my toddler son to his playschool; as back then I couldn’t drive. It was during one of those drives that Mr. Dumas, the driver, started a conversation with me beyond the formal morning greetings. He asked me how I met my husband. Perhaps, he was all ears to a romantic story of how love blossomed between us before we exchanged the vow. But I had another experience to share.

I had an arranged marriage: Did I marry a stranger?

For me, giving personal details of how I chose the man I am married to was a little personal. Later, I realized that folks here are very open about their life. I still preferred to answer it. “It was an arranged marriage”, I said. The concept was rather new to him. He was shockingly surprised to know that I did not know my husband from before. “How could anyone marry a stranger?” he retorted. Honestly, I had to explain how it all happened. For the ones who have no idea, let me elaborate. The conspicuous role of matchmakers, matrimonial ads, or the latest matrimonial websites need a special mention. Your parents browse these sources, get a profile that they approve and approach the prospective match. If the other family also finds your family details interesting, and the individual profile promising, then the families plan a cordial meeting.

The prospective bride and groom get a place in the matrimonial cavalcade, and definitely they also possess the right to disapprove a probable alliance. But they have to back their disapproval or approval through concrete reason and logic. The families by and large weigh the proposition on practical parameters such as education, family background, physical appearance, etc., etc., while the girl and the boy have their own benchmarks to decide whether to call it off or proceed further. I must say, Mr. Dumas, was bewildered and he tried making sense of the sanity behind it all. I was a little intimidated by his expression. His viewpoint on the oddity of a marriage without fervent love made me poise and think if there was anything intrinsically wrong with the idea of a well-thought matrimonial alliance.

I had just one case study to rely on, and that was my own marriage. The thought, rationale, emotion, and circumstance I could now analyze more objectively. When we say societies by and large shape our thought, I agree it is more a norm but exceptions do exist. I was one such prototype. I had two very strong opinions: people do not have time to understand the other person and if two people can’t make each other happy, they should part ways. I was sure in my mind, if the relationship doesn’t work for either side, I would quit. Had I ever uttered my take on marriage to anyone, they would have been scandalized. Mindsets are now changing or maybe evolving, but 15 years back divorce was a cursed word and my family was too conventional to fathom such thoughts. I am sure with all the fairytale stories concluding with the ‘happy ever after’ endings, people hardly think about the other aspect of marriage, and so my thoughts were a little complex.

Unlike my preconceived notions, the reality for me turned out a little different. In the course of time I realized that the other person also wants to be understood and there is something instinctive about seeking partnership that governs this relationship. Unlike me, my husband had a clearer approach. I asked him what was his benchmark or the deciding factor in choosing a partner and he narrated to me an interesting incident that happened before we met. He and his family went to meet a girl. From the logical parameters everything seemed fine so his parents asked his opinion. He said no to the proposal. Reason – he did not feel like meeting the girl the second time. The answered puzzled his family but he had made up his mind. With that, perhaps I got the answer that I was searching for.

Finally, I was able to explain Mr. Dumas that an arranged marriage has its bit of romance as well, though not very pronounced.

Not that in India people don’t ever have love marriages but the proposition brings in a lot of hurdles to pass before the race of married life begins. So, youngsters are often content to go for partners approved by everyone. Think of a scenario when you have to match the caste, culture, religion, social status, family background, and in some cases the birth chart of a love interest before you think of forging a serious relationship – how cumbersome would that be. The society by and large still rejects marital associations out of these web of boundaries put forth by families and sometimes the consequence of crossing the line is too gruesome (honor killing).

Decoding the enigma of sanctimony

Based on all practical aspects of social and personal ease, Indian marriages instantaneously get sanctified the moment you are man and wife. It is puzzling to some extent. Spouses vow to remain partners life after life (reincarnation) not knowing how the very relationship is going to unfold in the coming years. They do not come out of a bad marriage because it is socially unacceptable and unsanctified.

It goes beyond –even middle-aged widows and widowers marrying again is a hushed sign of disloyalty to the dead spouse. You are expected to live with the memories of your partner the rest of your life. Seeking a companion again is like falling from grace. But, how does self-inflicting isolation and unending loneliness bring solace to the departed is hard to fathom.

We come across many experiences as a part of society and our collective reaction often conforms to the unsaid rules prevalent in the society we are in. As I was growing up, one of my father’s friend lost his spouse after a prolonged illness. His children were friends to my older siblings. They were six boys of different age groups. Some were adolescents and some almost grown up adults. The loss of the mother was indispensable. In most households mothers are the greatest link between the children and the father, and with that bridge broken, fathers find it difficult to strike a chord with the children, particularly during their teens. Their house was no different. The father tried his best to settle his children. And once they were on their own it was time for him to feel the void of a lost partner.

With his children busy in their lives and no more responsibilities to shoulder, he eventually decided to seek company and married again. Perhaps, he did not foresee the outcome of his decision. His children turned against him. They felt betrayed – how could anyone take the place of their dead mother. I felt aggrieved too and identified with their emotions. But, none realized, he also had a life to live and it was difficult to live alone. You need someone to talk, to share, to care and be cared and seeking a partner at any age is human instinct. I too didn’t see the point. Many years passed but the memories of it lingered with me somewhere deep.

Life went on for us much the same until my mother was diagnosed of cancer. Two emotionally draining years and there was no better result. We eventually lost her. We were sad and broken by her demise, but it was my father who was left lonelier and sadder. She took away with her, his home, his companion, and the center of his world. My father became very quiet. He shared every little thought with my mother and without her he stifled. There were times when we could see his pain, though he displayed none.

When we got busy with our respective households, he had to fit in with any of us to get the basic care. Living alone was not a feasible option as he was aging and had premedical conditions. Could he have had a better life than he chose to impose on himself? Had he been happier if he sought a companion like him? What was wrong in seeking company? I had no courage to ask him. I realized then how lonely you get when you lose your partner. The tragedy shakes your life and if in order to rearrange the leftover shambles what if you get a hand again? Who knows you could be a support to another lonely soul. 

Also, a bad marriage is no less a calamity brought about by an insensitive partner. It is time to rethink on cultural norms, letting souls unburden the weight of a bond already broken by tragedy or trauma.